Being a survivor of sexual abuse at a young age was difficult to cope with, and to understand. I found myself crying every day. I felt insecure, helpless, angry, shameful, and like a victim. I moved from house to house; my mom’s, my dad’s, my grandparent’s, friend’s of friends. I wore provocative clothing, I dyed my hair, I did drugs, I got tattooed, pierced and partied hard – all to escape, or to feel like I had control, rather. Eventually it got so dark at night that I had to see therapists, lots of them. Psychologists, psychiatrists, hypnotherapists, school counselors, you name it. I tried so many antidepressants; I can’t even remember all the drugs they had me try. I eventually found one that “worked” and I stayed with it for a long time. 10+ years actually. It was interesting; it wasn’t like everything was “okay” and peachy again, but life just didn’t have the same affect on me as it did in the past. I wouldn’t bawl my eyes out every time my feelings were hurt, and sad movies wouldn’t make me cry for hours on end. I still felt insecure, sad and lonely, but I could control my emotions a bit more. Eventually, I started to see a little light at the end of the tunnel.
As I got older I started to question the “medicine” I was ingesting daily. I wanted to find away to heal myself, I wanted control over my happiness, and my body. So, I took responsibility for it. I decided to kick the medicine, continue with therapy, self love and self work. I promised myself that exercise would be a priority in my life. I started 3 times a week of cardio, (spinning to be exact) and as my happiness increased, my stress levels decreased, and eventually exercise became a 5 day a week thing.
I started to feel proud of myself. I enjoyed the endorphins, the serotonin, the dopamine. I felt good knowing that I was in fact practicing SELF LOVE on a daily basis. That regardless of how other’s mistreated me, or didn’t know how to love me, that I was capable of loving myself. That I didn’t need Dr.s’ to fix me, I allowed FITNESS to fix me.
Eventually I decided to make fitness my career because I wanted to give others the opportunity to love on themselves, and to live a life of less stress, more peace and more mobility. It has been the best decision I have ever made, I feel like I have purpose and have never been happier. It’s as though I had to go through those horrific things to get me to where I am today, in a place of service. And I am successful at it, the universe brings people who share the same joy and who hold themselves accountable for their health and their happiness. We support each other, we encourage each other, we grow together and we stand together honoring that #fitnessisthedrugofchoice.